Fear and Vulnerability
The other night, I had a series of dreams about being naked. And we’re not talking about one of “those” dreams…(that would have been so much better, haha!). This was a dream-state where I would be somewhere and suddenly realize I was completely naked. Every time this happened, I would cover myself or run and hide. The dream would then continue in a completely different place, and before I knew it, I was naked again. It was very traumatic. I felt so vulnerable; I was constantly scared of being “caught naked.” The dream-state continued all night; I woke up a few times and fell back asleep, only to find myself in the same situation again and again. When I woke up for work, somewhat unrested, I couldn’t shake that feeling.
I am not one of those people who usually looks into the meaning of dreams. They usually come and go without much thought, but I really had to know what this one meant. It wasn’t just one passing dream, so obviously something was on my mind, and truth be told…I still felt vulnerable.
So, I Google searched “naked in dreams.” A bunch of things came up. Some of them really resonated with me now, at this very moment in my life:
- Feeling defenseless. Wow, does this hit home. As a business owner, with employees and clients that rely on myself and my business partners, I really feel that this whole pandemic crisis leaves me in a helpless, defenseless, VULNERABLE place. Especially defenseless to help those that need it most—those family members, clients and friends with compromised immune systems.
- Being seen as foolish or not good enough. One thing that has always driven me to be better is that feeling that I am not good enough, or that I need to be more competent. Though I don’t feel that way overall (those who know me would probably describe me as confident), there is the nagging thought that maybe, in this situation, I’m not good enough or prepared enough to help people through a time where I cannot be right there in front of them. Conducting virtual sessions, making adjustments on the fly, queuing differently, not being able to feel if a muscle is active and firing or a joint is optimally positioned. All of these work-related challenges contribute to this feeling.
- Being caught off guard. Ummmm…yeah. I feel COMPLETELY caught off guard. Things have been going so well for me on so many levels, that I simply didn’t expect for things to shift so We all have been caught off guard! Society, the healthcare system, stock markets, cities, small towns, businesses…It feels terrible.
It was interesting to read these things online that I haven’t really talked about in depth. I make a point of portraying a calm, professional demeanor; inside however, I am feeling scared. Scared for my employees who live paycheck to paycheck. Scared for my mother who is an “at risk” person with age and fibromyalgia working against her. Scared for my elderly clients who are already fighting so many battles on a regular basis, and worrying that any contact with someone with this virus could be the end. I worry for myself, my wife and her extended family, my daughter and her half-sister, who has a compromised immune system and is already in and out of the hospital.
All of this stuff is SCARY. But it doesn’t have to control me. It has been crucial to recognize what I was feeling on a subconscious (and conscious) level. And you know what? It is ok to feel vulnerable, scared, defenseless and caught off guard. I’m human. And I’m guessing I’m not the only one feeling this way. We are truly in this together.
So what can I do? Well the first thing I did was to find a way to reset. I started to meditate. When I focused on my breathing, any time a thought came into my head, I was able let it go. Breathe in…deep in…start counting to four…breathe out…counting to eight. Little by little, I increased my breaths to 15/30 counts…in/out. Each time, I imagined the oxygen coming in, pushing oxygenated blood to my body, then releasing all of the carbon dioxide out and into the world. Not sure how long I went each time, but I woke up a little later.
I felt great. Next, I made a plan: No matter what, I was going to continue to get my workouts in. I know from my blueprint, which I discussed in my last post (enter link here), that I have the tendency to eat emotionally. When I do that, the workouts start to slowly disappear. I worked out yesterday with weights and today I did cardio. It’s amazing to me, how much less likely I am to perpetuate self-destructive patterning when I get that workout in! It really, really helps.
Ok, so that’s my reset. Now, how can I actually shift the things that I was feeling above? Let’s attack them one at a time:
- Feeling defenseless. Well, truth be told, I’m not defenseless. It’s ok to feel vulnerable, but I also have the ability to help. At Nimble Fitness, we are going to do our best to continue to help people with our coaching and virtual sessions. We are doing a ton of research and seeing what the government is planning for small businesses and their employees, so we can help others as much as possible while still keeping the doors open when all of this ends. I will coach those with compromised immune systems on the best ways for them to properly protect and boost their immunity.
- Not feeling good enough. I think my biggest fear around the current crisis is that it is all so new. Doing virtual sessions and online/phone coaching is very new to people and some clients won’t be interested. And that’s ok. We all have our preferred way of moving, learning and getting healthy. Above all, what I do know is that I care, and that I can truly help those who are interested. I know that I will be totally dialed in, creative and absolutely present for the time I am with each client, whether it’s online or (eventually!) in person. That, I know, is better than good enough.
- Caught off guard. Moving forward I sincerely hope that our government, the CDC and the WHO all have cohesive and timely responses moving forward. This is a lesson for us all! And I know that all of us here at Nimble are learning too. We are all going to be better trainers and practitioners after all is said and done. And I am intentionally letting go of my “fear” of being in front of the camera and not being “good enough,” and starting to create more content and programs to help more than just my own personal clients.
So there you have it…scary, but together we all get through this! And one more thing that we all have the power to do: Support your local businesses. I am making it a point to make sure I get food from ALL of my favorite restaurants during this time period (to go, of course)…bringing them cash and tipping them well. We need them and they need us.
Your Chubby Trainer
Co-Owner at Nimble Fitness